Rio Olympics 2016: With all the sex going on at the Games, will the athletes have time to compete?
The staggering number of condoms to be used at the upcoming Rio Olympic Games, now just weeks away. After complex calculations – involving the net number of athletes, their likely frequency of congress, multiplied by the number of days in the Olympic village, and subtracting Eastern Bloc male shot putters, and all Americans with the first name of Joshua or Hank – the organisers have come up with a need for … are you ready for this? … 450,000 condoms!
From side swipes to long bombs, these are the most exciting, silly and downright crazy plays in the sport world this week.
This is no less than three times the amount needed in London and, in the ultimate insult, FOUR times the amount we provided for the Sydney Olympic Games! (What is wrong with these athletes? I grant you that Homebush is not necessarily the equivalent of Paris as the romance capital of the world, may not measure up to Vegas as the sex capital, but I’ll be damned if Rio is four times sexier and quadruple the mood-setter of Sydney.)
Of further interest is that the number is made up of 350,000 male condoms, and 100,000 female condoms and …And who is going to go first here, and fess up, in public, that they weren’t quite aware of the existence of female condoms in the first place? Oh stop panicking. It is no worse than saying you live on the North Shore. In fact, come to think of it is pretty much exactly the same thing.
So I’ll fess up to both: I live there, and I didn’t know.
And now, while I am glad, of course, that there are female condoms, because here at the Herald we believe in equality in all things, I am outraged, OUTRAGED, do you hear me, that there are not equal numbers handed out to both genders. This sounds to me very discriminatory, implying, I think, that the female libido is much lower, even after you take into account that that libido will inevitably plummet when around Eastern bloc male shot putters and Americans called Joshua and Hank.
Somewhere in those numbers, I dare say, there will be fuel for the OutrageMobile to whip off a couple of fabulous laps. Might be able to go for days!
Either way, if the athletes actually get through that number of condoms it is a serious wonder that any of them can finish any event, at all! One of your humble correspondents’ readers – no name, no pack drill, let’s just call him Steve Duchen – has crunched the numbers, and they are jaw-dropping.
His sums prove that – assuming it still takes two to tango, even when in Rio, and even when in the Olympic village – each individual is being allocated 90 condoms to get them through the two weeks of the games. That works out that the organisers reckon they’ll be going at it slightly more than six times a day, every day, for every man and woman!
“Taking into account,” Duchen says, “those who choose to remain faithful to their partners or are too young to know any better (is 50 per cent too high?) one can postulate that those willing participants will be engaging in the horizontal folk dance more than 12 times a day!”
I mean we’ve all heard that your baby smiles when she goes to Rio, but that is ridiculous. For it is, of course, a sexual drive and performance that the rest of us cannot even contemplate. Or at least those of us living on the North Shore can’t.
Duchen is also quite right when he notes: “It would seem that the expensive TV rights to view the games are missing out on what is no doubt the feature event of the games, even eclipsing the medal tally. Of course I may be completely wrong, and there may just be massive water bombing fights planned for 14 days throughout the Olympic village.”
And his numbers may also be off because, of course, when they’re going at each other, they may choose to use only one condom, not two, but that must be countered by the fact that when the Eastern bloc male shot putters do get involved, I reckon their partners will insist on three or four condoms being used. Wouldn’t you?
Peter Fitz Simons